There is no simple definition for neglect, more so when we are talking about the neglect of children by their own parents. The fact is that most parents love and look after their children, at the cost of their own health, comfort and go to any length to make sure that their children are safe and do not come to any harm. But unfortunately, that is not a rule and one comes across cases where children are neglected and maltreated. Why it happens, is both complex and worrying. Neglect is hidden, unlike abuse which can be visible and noticeable to others. Hence in such situations the children feel helpless, trapped and unsure of what’s happening.
A simple definition of child neglect is the failure to provide needed age-appropriate care. This encompasses the obvious physical needs of food and shelter to the subtle emotional needs of love, compassion, recognition, sense of safety and validation. Failure in providing overall compassionate parenting can lead to serious adverse consequences both during childhood and adult life. When it comes to the provision of physical needs, a family ought to live within its means and this does not mean neglect. A poor family may not be able to provide the same luxuries compared to a well off family. But the difference is in the way children are provided and cared for, an excess of money and toys apparently sounds good but if there is little personal supervision and emotional care, it can prove counterproductive and harmful in the long run.
Even a baby that is a few days old reciprocates to your body language; they laugh, make eye contact and get scared depending on how a parent is playing with them. They respond to an angry or smiling face, and it is not difficult to note how they change their body language mirroring the parent. They may not be able to talk, but all these small things make a huge difference in their overall personality development. A child whose behaviour and feelings are not noticed, acknowledged and are interpreted wrongly by their parents receive a powerful message that they are not wanted, their feelings do not matter or whatever they are trying to convey is not acceptable. Such neglect and acts of omission by parents can lead to serious adverse consequences.
Unlike in the West where the common factors which can lead to child neglect are illicit drug use, unsupported single parent, a breakdown of the family, poverty etcetera, the situation is quite different in the Asian context due to different cultural and local customs. Some other risk factors which can lead to neglect are family conflict, unemployment, violence and conflict situation in the community, physical and mental illness in the family and acute life stress to name a few.
In our culture, the differential treatment of children based on their gender is another grave issue. Boys get all the attention and girls are left to fend for themselves and are given an impression that they are mostly a burden and liability. The discrimination starts even before birth and some people choose to kill them in the womb. We have seen time and again the cases of domestic violence, mostly directed towards females, which at times ends in brutal and violent acts like burning alive. It is fair to say that the acceptance of such behaviour, at a cultural level, starts subtly decades before the actual heinous act. Hence, female foeticide continues and culminates in the murder of a grown up woman. I am not trying to say it is only men who are responsible for such mentality and acts; women are equally responsible and often drive the process.
Children can be neglected due to the ongoing conflict and dispute between their parents. Parents who argue in front of their children and physically abuse each other in their presence; put the young minds in severe emotional and ethical dilemma. Children in such cases become withdrawn, develop a sense of guilt and somehow feel responsible for the actions of their abusive parents. This leads to a sense of insecurity and children can start acting out, become truant from school and often take on drug addiction. Some parents are too busy with their work and personal ambitions that they knowingly or unknowingly ignore the needs of their children. This not only leads to emotional deprivation but can become dangerous when the children are left unsupervised. Leaving children with others is not always safe and can lead to potential harm. Cases of physical and sexual abuse are common in such situations and children are caught up in the vicious cycle of neglect and abuse. This is worsened further when the parents deny or ignore the child’s plea that they are not safe or have been actively harmed.
Children who grow up in problem families as described above find it difficult to adjust to life and are at increased risk of developing psychological problems. That means difficulties at home, poor schooling and ultimately not being able to live a productive and fulfilled life. Sometimes children can take on similar traits and engage in antisocial or harmful behaviours. Feelings of poor self-esteem, isolation, lack of trust and low self-worth are not uncommon. They also feel insecure and are not able to cope with day to day pressures of life. They are at high risk of falling into the trap of bad company and drugs. In some places, such children find refuge in criminal gangs which gives them a sense of purpose and belonging. Suicide and self-harm is also common in such children. It is very important to realise that children are highly sensitive about happenings around them and the way they are cared for.
There is no simple answer to the problem, but the solution does come from common sense and from treating children with dignity, respect and love. This gives them the essential feeling of safety and security which is the right of every child. Treating children partially based on their gender is morally and religiously wrong and harmful to the child and society at large. Children look up to their parents as role models and if parents do not treat them with honesty and care, the children are unlikely to do well. It is like teaching a child to speak the truth but acting and behaving otherwise, which not only confuses the tender souls but also sets them in the wrong direction. Similarly, if the parents behave differently in their public and private lives, it worsens the situation and creates a sense of doubt and disillusionment in children.
Finally, parents have the duty and responsibility to safeguard their children from any abuse or neglect and in no way should be the perpetrators themselves. It becomes more pertinent in our current age when children are at additional risk due to factors like social media, excessive pressure to achieve, easy access to drugs and vulnerability from people who target children. If parents are not coping due to any reason or feel they are in a strained relationship, they need to make sure that their children are not trapped in the middle and used to score points against each other. It is better to seek help and advice than ruin the life and happiness of children. Unfortunately, there are no safeguarding mechanisms in our society and it is very difficult for neglected children to get any respite. Society at large also has a responsibility to help end the evil cultural practices which put children at risk, like partial treatment based on gender, female foeticide and dowry etcetera. It is easy to fell prey to denial and refuse to accept what is happening within the family, but it is never too late to make a fresh start and give children their life back.
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